When a teenager loses someone they love, it can be difficult to know what to say or do.
Teenagers understand death differently from younger children, however they are still developing emotionally and may struggle to put complicated feelings into words.
Young people can grieve just as deeply as adults, but their grief can look very different. They may want to talk one minute and shut themselves away the next. They might cry, become angry, seem completely unaffected or appear to carry on as normal. None of these reactions means they are not grieving.
It is common for teenagers to spend longer periods of time in one reaction (compared to younger children). While they have a concept of death, losing someone close to them may trigger questions about the meaning of life and/or the afterlife. They are likely to find information online, including via social media. As a close relative or friend, you should be their source of truth and clarity. (Child Bereavement UK)
How can you help a grieving teenager?
One of the most helpful things an adult can do is remain available without constantly asking a teenager how they are feeling.
Let them know that talking is always an option, but don’t force the conversation. A teenager may find it easier to talk while doing an activity together (such as walking, cooking) rather than sitting down for a serious conversation.
It is also important not to assume that silence means everything is fine. Keep checking in gently, particularly around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other occasions that might remind them of the person they’ve lost.
It’s important to give them space while ensuring they know you are there for them.
Grief is individual and personal
Teenagers may want to spend time with friends, listen to music, play games, use social media or simply be alone. These things can sometimes look like avoidance, but familiar routines and friendships can offer valuable stability. It’s important to let teenagers grieve in their own way.
At the same time, watch for significant changes that persist – such as withdrawing completely, struggling at school, persistent anxiety, changes in eating or sleeping, or behaviour that feels particularly out of character. If you are concerned, seeking additional support is not an overreaction.
Some difficult conversations are appropriate
It can be tempting to shield teenagers from the practical realities involved when someone passes away. However, honest, age-appropriate communication can help them understand what has happened and feel included.
This can include involving them in decisions about the funeral, if they want to be involved. They might choose a reading, piece of music, flowers or photograph, or simply decide whether they would like to attend. Giving them choices can help them feel that their relationship with the person who died is being recognised.
Remember that grief doesn’t follow a timetable
It is estimated that 46,300 dependent children aged 0–17 are bereaved of a parent each year, equating to around 127 children every day. Studies also show that one in 29 children aged five to 16 has experienced the death of a parent or sibling. (Child Bereavement UK)
For some teenagers, grief may become particularly difficult months after a death, when the immediate support from family, friends and school begins to fade.
Just like adults, there is no set way for teenagers to grieve and no timeframe for feeling better. What matters most is helping a young person understand that their feelings are valid, that they don’t have to cope alone and that it’s okay to ask for help.
At Austin’s, we understand that a funeral is only one part of saying goodbye. We are here to support families through the practical and personal decisions that surround a death. This includes helping families create a funeral where children and young people can feel included, heard and able to say goodbye in their own way. We’ve supported communities across Herts for over 300 years through our network of 12 funeral offices and free resources for additional support.
