Anticipatory grief is the emotional pain and mourning you experience before someone dies. This is a natural reaction when someone’s illness is having an effect on your life. It may also be felt when you are worried about what will happen in the future. It’s also known as “pre-death grief” or “grief before death”. While most commonly associated with a loved one’s terminal illness, it may be felt by the person facing their own death.
Anticipatory grief: thoughts and feelings
Unlike traditional grief that follows a death, anticipatory grief involves a complex mix of “holding on” while “letting go”. The grief before a loss can be accompanied by guilt, as you are grieving while a death has not yet happened.
‘Anticipatory grief differs from grief after a loss because it combines hope and heartbreak at once. You’re mourning the person or relationship while still sharing moments with them. This mix of emotions can be confusing and exhausting.’ (after.com)
Often, anticipatory grief involves feelings of:
- A slow decline that “grinds you down” rather than a sudden loss.
- Mourning for the person your loved one was, even though they are still physically present. This is known as “ambiguous loss”.
- Missing your loved one ahead of future moments, knowing they won’t be there with you at the key milestones and events.
Anticipatory grief often feels like bereavement grief after a loved one dies, often with heightened anxiety and feelings of loss of control. You may also feel:
- Tearfulness and sadness.
- Guilt.
- Difficulty sleeping and/or eating.
- Increased sense of worry or concern for the dying person.
- Rehearsing or visualising the impending death.
Four stages of anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief involves four stages and you may move between the different stages rather than progress through them one at a time. They are different to the seven recognised stages of grief after a bereavement. (See our article, Understanding Grief). These four stages are especially impacted if you are your loved one’s caregiver:
- Acceptance: Recognising that the loss is inevitable and there is no cure.
- Reflection: Coming to terms with complicated feelings like regret, remorse or guilt.
- Rehearsal: Mentally “practising” the loss, which may involve making practical plans like funeral arrangements.
Imagining the Future: Visualising and emotionally adapting to what life will look like once the person is gone.
What you can do now
- Prioritise Self-Care: Caregivers often neglect their own needs. Maintaining a routine and asking others for practical help (like errands or childcare) is vital to avoid burnout.
- Open Communication: If possible, have the “important conversations” now. Expressing love, forgiveness and gratitude can provide enormous closure.
- Seek Professional Help: Organisations such as Marie Curie and Cruse Bereavement Support provide specialised support for those navigating grief before loss.
Talk to Austin’s
You may already know your loved one’s hopes for their funeral, from the type of service to details such as favourite music, readings and flowers. Knowing that their wishes can be met can be a comfort to both of you. If you are unsure of their wishes, ask them what they’d like during your open conversations with them. The Austin’s team is available to talk about options and ensure that your loved one’s wishes are met. We strive to provide each person with the funeral they want.
You may also find solace from our grief support lending library. Our books are carefully curated and there is no charge for borrowing a book.
We’ve been supporting Hertfordshire communities for over 300 years. We’ll guide you every step of the way with the utmost care and attention to detail.
